secretsancho

ASARCO Cries “Uncle”

In Uncategorized on February 3, 2009 at 10:41 pm

El Paso – Next to Phalic Tower –  Senator Shapleigh and his supporters are claiming victory after ASARCO announced that will not reopen.

“I worked very hard to get them to shut their doors” Shapleigh said at a press conference held just north of the property over looking an open air sewage treatment plant.   “I had to personally crash the entire world economy in order to drive down the price of copper so low that they’d decided to close for goog.”  he added.

The TCEQ did not cooperate with Shapleigh and his band of followers when they asked the State of Texas to declare ASARCO and its then employees the perpetrators and executors of the holocaust and 9/11 and therefore should be shutdown last year.

Asked whether it was worth single-handedly ruining the economy to shutdown ASARCO, Shapleigh answered, “fuck yes! you mess with the bull you’re going to get humped like an intern in an Austin lobby office.”

President Obama thanked Senator Shapleigh and his supporters for their commitment ot improving the view for Kern residents.

Stacking Poor People Takes Precedence Over Historical Value

In Uncategorized on January 29, 2009 at 6:24 pm

El Paso – Almost Trendy Part of Downtown –  The El Paso City Council went in the completely opposite direction of an earlier ruling by the body in the hopes of stacking poor people high in the air.

La Fe Clinic is trying to stack the poor people in a soon to be trendy part of town where certain architectual standards apply.  The clinic needed to clear a few road blocks on the way to getting the okay to build the multi-story section eight housing guaranteed to be heaping pile of shit only days after completion.

West valley representative Beto O’Rourke was asked why he decided to suspend the rules that everyone else has to follow in order to push this project through.  “Fuck them and the horse they rode in on!” said O’Rourke.  We weren’t clear who he was talking to, or about, but he did push a child down and punch and old lady on his way out of council chambers.

Representative Holguin, who is a constant light of positive energy, waxed poetic on the upcoming project for nearly 30 minutes after the meeting.  He said, “instead of letting poor people just roam the streets peeing everywhere, we can stack them high above the streets in downtown behind a facade of brick and mortar.”

Northeast Rep. Melina Castro agreed to help the  project along by posing in a suggestive outfit for the eventual marketing plan for the completed building.  She said, “I’m so fucking hot, those smelly bums will fork over any social security, disability or other form of government income to live in a building with a huge poster of my hot body on it.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”   Rep. Quintana called Castro a, “skinny fucking bitch” after hearing her comment.

The project will be completed in the Spring 2043 and will be torn down to make way for hacienda style section eight housing the year after that.

Hay Barn Still Burning, Still Biggest News in El Paso

In Uncategorized on January 26, 2009 at 10:59 pm

Vado – Shithole Outside of El Paso –  The crack news teams of El Paso’s bankrupt news channels first reported on the hay barn fire late last week.  The fire burned almost 100 bails of hay and encompassed about 500 square feet.  No one was hurt.

El Paso news agency are still covering the smoldering ashes of the nearly five day old fire and refuse to stop their non-stop around the clock of burning plant material that did not injure anyone.

News directors for each of the failing TV news stations could not return our calls.  Their phone service has been suspended for nonpayment.  

Some experts say that the news channels are still covering the smoldering ashes of a fire that took place days ago because they can not afford the gas to move their live trucks from the scene.  They are, instead, trying to pretend that the hay barn fire story is still – a story. 

No word on a name for the catastrophe, but “Hay Fire 2009” has been thrown around the darkened newsrooms of our city’s failing TV news networks.