“I worked very hard to get them to shut their doors” Shapleigh said at a press conference held just north of the property over looking an open air sewage treatment plant.   “I had to personally crash the entire world economy in order to drive down the price of copper so low that they’d decided to close for goog.”  he added.

The TCEQ did not cooperate with Shapleigh and his band of followers when they asked the State of Texas to declare ASARCO and its then employees the perpetrators and executors of the holocaust and 9/11 and therefore should be shutdown last year.

Asked whether it was worth single-handedly ruining the economy to shutdown ASARCO, Shapleigh answered, “fuck yes! you mess with the bull you’re going to get humped like an intern in an Austin lobby office.”

President Obama thanked Senator Shapleigh and his supporters for their commitment ot improving the view for Kern residents.

La Fe Clinic is trying to stack the poor people in a soon to be trendy part of town where certain architectual standards apply.  The clinic needed to clear a few road blocks on the way to getting the okay to build the multi-story section eight housing guaranteed to be heaping pile of shit only days after completion.

West valley representative Beto O’Rourke was asked why he decided to suspend the rules that everyone else has to follow in order to push this project through.  “Fuck them and the horse they rode in on!” said O’Rourke.  We weren’t clear who he was talking to, or about, but he did push a child down and punch and old lady on his way out of council chambers.

Representative Holguin, who is a constant light of positive energy, waxed poetic on the upcoming project for nearly 30 minutes after the meeting.  He said, “instead of letting poor people just roam the streets peeing everywhere, we can stack them high above the streets in downtown behind a facade of brick and mortar.”

Northeast Rep. Melina Castro agreed to help the  project along by posing in a suggestive outfit for the eventual marketing plan for the completed building.  She said, “I’m so fucking hot, those smelly bums will fork over any social security, disability or other form of government income to live in a building with a huge poster of my hot body on it.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”   Rep. Quintana called Castro a, “skinny fucking bitch” after hearing her comment.

The project will be completed in the Spring 2043 and will be torn down to make way for hacienda style section eight housing the year after that.

El Paso news agency are still covering the smoldering ashes of the nearly five day old fire and refuse to stop their non-stop around the clock of burning plant material that did not injure anyone.

News directors for each of the failing TV news stations could not return our calls.  Their phone service has been suspended for nonpayment.  

Some experts say that the news channels are still covering the smoldering ashes of a fire that took place days ago because they can not afford the gas to move their live trucks from the scene.  They are, instead, trying to pretend that the hay barn fire story is still – a story. 

No word on a name for the catastrophe, but “Hay Fire 2009″ has been thrown around the darkened newsrooms of our city’s failing TV news networks.

The cast, crew, carpenters, cement masons, hair stylists, makeup artists and a plastic surgeon have all been working hard polishing this elected turd.  Representative Chavez has been described as, “less than helpful,” during the entire process.  A long time crew member for the show said, “that is one mean bitch!”

The “Extreme Makeover” series is hoping to air this episode in March.

After years of kicking around ideas of how to make the road less congested, but still exclusive the City of El Paso decided to dedicate the road to only those who enjoy, and can afford, a Mercedes automobile.  No other types of cars will be allowed on the road starting in May, 2009.

Residents in the area were overjoyed at the City’s decision and immediately began planning an exclusive gala to be held at the country club in celebration of the change.

Upper Valley resident, Paul Levin III said, “requiring that motorists have a Mercedes to travel this road should eliminate the bulk of the traffic in this area.”  he added, “it will be nice to have a break from the poor people looking at our beautiful homes as they sit their in traffic each morning and evening.”

The Upper Valley community group that formed with the idea of making the road more exclusive said that their only other alternative was to erect a wall between themselves and the poor people of New Mexico. 

Mercedes Benz’s corporate spokesperson issued a short response to today’s ruling via email.  It read:

“We at Mercedes Benz are very excited that El Paso has taken steps to protect our valued customers from the filthy Americans who can not afford our fine automobile.  We only hope more communities will follow their lead in protecting the only people that matter in the world – Mercedes owners.”

BMW owners were outraged at the ruling, but could not afford to mount a campaign against the move seeing as how they are all imposters and in debt up to their eyes already.

Council member Steve Ortega was asked why he thought the council had authority to vote on a federal issues like th federal budget.  Ortega responded, “nobody said we couldn’t!”

Other members of the City Council would not speak with reporters, but did issue a joint statement.  The long rambling letter was addressed to “Our Peeps” was written on the back of a used envelope.  The Council indicated that they do whatever the “tall guy named Beto” tells them to do. 

The Council has abortion rights, a treaty with Japan and an energy bill on next week’s agenda.  Washington lobbyists have been seen roaming around the 10th floor at City Hall. 

President-elect Barrack Obama issued a stern warning to the council, “Do not make Puerto Rico a state without asking me first. I will use my veto if I need to” he said during his daily press briefing.

Mayor John Cook could not be reached for comment on this story.  Mayor Cook’s assistant said that he was locked away working on new words for the “song about how a bill becomes a law.”

State Representative Norma Chavez was said to be livid and throwing a “hissy fit” on the steps of the KTLK building.  She was first mistaken for the burrito lady and let in the building, but was removed once station management realized that she was in fact Norma Chavez.

Taking Strelzin’s spot will be morning show host, Greg Freyermuth.  Freyermuth released a statement saying that he would be on for five hours a day starting today and will have Ray Aduato on the phone crying like a little baby about various topics throughout his show.   Freyermuth is expect to carry all seven of listeners over to his evening program.

Attempts to reach station manager, David Candelaria were unsuccesful.  His secretary indicated that he was last seen banging the on air talent from the TV Station.

The pleasantly plump crowd held hands and told stories of their favorite meals at the location.  Benard Whetenerlips remembered his daily visits to the restaurant, “Every single day of the year I’d go to that Whataburger, order a number two with tripple cheese and bacon, Whatasized with Dr. Pepper to drink.  Then I’d take a big shit and steal their free paper.” 

A group of anorexic socialites lined up across the street and start barfing in protest of the fatties and their impromptu vigil.  One young lady wearing what looked like knee high moccasins boots and a halter top held a sign that read, “Leave Kern Fatties!”  This prompted the El Paso Fire investigation Unit to rule the fire an arson.  They suspect the local socialites wanted the site for something more attractive to the young, rich and fabulous crowd.

This wouldn’t be the first time Kern place yupsters found themselves on the wrong side of the law.  A pack of preppies hopped-up on Grey Goose and imported beers attacked a goth couple trying to make their way down Cincinnati street to a bus stop located on Mesa street.   That case is set to go to a grand jury next week.

The owners of the Wienerschnitzel down the street had setup a temporary relief center at his drive-through restaurant to comfort the disgusting fat bodies in their time of crisis.  The owner hopes to capitalize on the lack of competition moving forward.  “This is bad news for Whataburger, but great news for Wienerschnitzel and our new gigantic diabetes having customers.”

Stay tuned for more on this disgusting story.

“I’m cutting out all the bullshit that takes place between the opening and inevitable closing of an El Paso art gallery,” Slapendahlips said as he puffed on his freshly Parliment cigarrette.  “Besides, my boyfriend and I can’t survive another let down here in El Paso,”  he added.

The plan is to open the gallery with the normal fan fare and to then close it at midnight when the party is scheduled to end.  We asked Slapendahlips if his unique opening and closing was art in itself.  He said, “Are you fucking stupid?  This is a business decision.  It allows me to consult on art without having any other qualification other than the fact that I can say I once owned a gallery.” 

As for plans to promote his opening and closing, Slapendahlips said he would do Lisa “the fag hag” D’s radio show and possible trick someone else on the EP Media Group’s staff into doing a profile on him.  ”I’ve got the two ingredients that make an EP Media Group story, I’m flamboyantly gay and I used the word downtown a lot,” said Slapendahlips.

We asked him why he stays in El Paso even though he doesn’t feel like the community as a whole supports his love of art.  Unfortunately he answered.. “What do you mean?  My boyfriend and I are flaming gay and the toast of the town here in El Paso.  Anywhere else we’d just be flaming gay.”

You can catch the opening and closing of  Crasshh! this Friday from 8:00 p.m. to midnight next to the old Club 101… no, before it was on Mesa.  Yes, there.

County Judge Anthony Cobos declared a state of emergency and shut down the schools.  When he was notified that school was already out due to the holidays he said, “bring it on.”  We’re not quite sure what he meant by that, but are researching the quote as you read this.

Other El Pasoans used the normal December temperatures to try and get out of work.  Employers were flooded with calls claiming that worker’s cars had frozen solid and that Sun Metro buses didn’t have heaters.  We checked with Sun Metro and they did confirm they didn’t have heaters in their buses.  Their purchasing director told us, “It’s El Paso, dumbass, it doesn’t get cold.”  Maids we talked to disagree.

El Pasoans are encouraged to bundle up, try not to go swimming and keep their kids clothed – at least a little bit.