ASARCO Cries “Uncle”

El Paso – Next to Phalic Tower -  Senator Shapleigh and his supporters are claiming victory after ASARCO announced that will not reopen.

“I worked very hard to get them to shut their doors” Shapleigh said at a press conference held just north of the property over looking an open air sewage treatment plant.   “I had to personally crash the entire world economy in order to drive down the price of copper so low that they’d decided to close for goog.”  he added.

The TCEQ did not cooperate with Shapleigh and his band of followers when they asked the State of Texas to declare ASARCO and its then employees the perpetrators and executors of the holocaust and 9/11 and therefore should be shutdown last year.

Asked whether it was worth single-handedly ruining the economy to shutdown ASARCO, Shapleigh answered, “fuck yes! you mess with the bull you’re going to get humped like an intern in an Austin lobby office.”

President Obama thanked Senator Shapleigh and his supporters for their commitment ot improving the view for Kern residents.

Stacking Poor People Takes Precedence Over Historical Value

El Paso – Almost Trendy Part of Downtown -  The El Paso City Council went in the completely opposite direction of an earlier ruling by the body in the hopes of stacking poor people high in the air.

La Fe Clinic is trying to stack the poor people in a soon to be trendy part of town where certain architectual standards apply.  The clinic needed to clear a few road blocks on the way to getting the okay to build the multi-story section eight housing guaranteed to be heaping pile of shit only days after completion.

West valley representative Beto O’Rourke was asked why he decided to suspend the rules that everyone else has to follow in order to push this project through.  “Fuck them and the horse they rode in on!” said O’Rourke.  We weren’t clear who he was talking to, or about, but he did push a child down and punch and old lady on his way out of council chambers.

Representative Holguin, who is a constant light of positive energy, waxed poetic on the upcoming project for nearly 30 minutes after the meeting.  He said, “instead of letting poor people just roam the streets peeing everywhere, we can stack them high above the streets in downtown behind a facade of brick and mortar.”

Northeast Rep. Melina Castro agreed to help the  project along by posing in a suggestive outfit for the eventual marketing plan for the completed building.  She said, “I’m so fucking hot, those smelly bums will fork over any social security, disability or other form of government income to live in a building with a huge poster of my hot body on it.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”   Rep. Quintana called Castro a, “skinny fucking bitch” after hearing her comment.

The project will be completed in the Spring 2043 and will be torn down to make way for hacienda style section eight housing the year after that.

Hay Barn Still Burning, Still Biggest News in El Paso

Vado – Shithole Outside of El Paso -  The crack news teams of El Paso’s bankrupt news channels first reported on the hay barn fire late last week.  The fire burned almost 100 bails of hay and encompassed about 500 square feet.  No one was hurt.

El Paso news agency are still covering the smoldering ashes of the nearly five day old fire and refuse to stop their non-stop around the clock of burning plant material that did not injure anyone.

News directors for each of the failing TV news stations could not return our calls.  Their phone service has been suspended for nonpayment.  

Some experts say that the news channels are still covering the smoldering ashes of a fire that took place days ago because they can not afford the gas to move their live trucks from the scene.  They are, instead, trying to pretend that the hay barn fire story is still – a story. 

No word on a name for the catastrophe, but “Hay Fire 2009″ has been thrown around the darkened newsrooms of our city’s failing TV news networks.

Representative Norma Chavez Gets “Extreme Makeover”

El Paso – Crews have been working for days trying to transform El Paso’s favorite loud mouth State House member from a pig with lipstick to a bona fide Chicana Sarah Palin.  Officials with the “Extreme Makeover” show aren’t sure they’ll be able to pull this one off.

The cast, crew, carpenters, cement masons, hair stylists, makeup artists and a plastic surgeon have all been working hard polishing this elected turd.  Representative Chavez has been described as, “less than helpful,” during the entire process.  A long time crew member for the show said, “that is one mean bitch!”

The “Extreme Makeover” series is hoping to air this episode in March.

Country Club Road to Become Mercedes Only Route

El Paso, Rich Part of Town – City officials were happy to announce that they had reached an agreement with the resident of the Upper Valley on what to do with Country Club Road.

After years of kicking around ideas of how to make the road less congested, but still exclusive the City of El Paso decided to dedicate the road to only those who enjoy, and can afford, a Mercedes automobile.  No other types of cars will be allowed on the road starting in May, 2009.

Residents in the area were overjoyed at the City’s decision and immediately began planning an exclusive gala to be held at the country club in celebration of the change.

Upper Valley resident, Paul Levin III said, “requiring that motorists have a Mercedes to travel this road should eliminate the bulk of the traffic in this area.”  he added, “it will be nice to have a break from the poor people looking at our beautiful homes as they sit their in traffic each morning and evening.”

The Upper Valley community group that formed with the idea of making the road more exclusive said that their only other alternative was to erect a wall between themselves and the poor people of New Mexico. 

Mercedes Benz’s corporate spokesperson issued a short response to today’s ruling via email.  It read:

“We at Mercedes Benz are very excited that El Paso has taken steps to protect our valued customers from the filthy Americans who can not afford our fine automobile.  We only hope more communities will follow their lead in protecting the only people that matter in the world – Mercedes owners.”

BMW owners were outraged at the ruling, but could not afford to mount a campaign against the move seeing as how they are all imposters and in debt up to their eyes already.

El Paso City Council Approves Federal Budget

El Paso – Officials in Washington are in shock today after members of the City Council in El Paso, Texas voted on and approved  the federal budget. 

Council member Steve Ortega was asked why he thought the council had authority to vote on a federal issues like th federal budget.  Ortega responded, “nobody said we couldn’t!”

Other members of the City Council would not speak with reporters, but did issue a joint statement.  The long rambling letter was addressed to “Our Peeps” was written on the back of a used envelope.  The Council indicated that they do whatever the “tall guy named Beto” tells them to do. 

The Council has abortion rights, a treaty with Japan and an energy bill on next week’s agenda.  Washington lobbyists have been seen roaming around the 10th floor at City Hall. 

President-elect Barrack Obama issued a stern warning to the council, “Do not make Puerto Rico a state without asking me first. I will use my veto if I need to” he said during his daily press briefing.

Mayor John Cook could not be reached for comment on this story.  Mayor Cook’s assistant said that he was locked away working on new words for the “song about how a bill becomes a law.”

Strelzin Out – Freyermuth and Aduato In

El Paso - El Paso icon and loud mouth for hire, Paul Strelzin was canned unceremoniously on Monday of this week.  As many as 100 people were in morning after hearing the news.

State Representative Norma Chavez was said to be livid and throwing a “hissy fit” on the steps of the KTLK building.  She was first mistaken for the burrito lady and let in the building, but was removed once station management realized that she was in fact Norma Chavez.

Taking Strelzin’s spot will be morning show host, Greg Freyermuth.  Freyermuth released a statement saying that he would be on for five hours a day starting today and will have Ray Aduato on the phone crying like a little baby about various topics throughout his show.   Freyermuth is expect to carry all seven of listeners over to his evening program.

Attempts to reach station manager, David Candelaria were unsuccesful.  His secretary indicated that he was last seen banging the on air talent from the TV Station.

Fat Asses in Kern Area Lose Mecca to Fire

El Paso, Trendy Part of Town – Hundreds of overweight El Pasoans gathered at the corner of University and Mesa to shed little bacon grease tears whileEl Paso firefighters battled a blaze that engulfed the Whataburger earlier today.

The pleasantly plump crowd held hands and told stories of their favorite meals at the location.  Benard Whetenerlips remembered his daily visits to the restaurant, “Every single day of the year I’d go to that Whataburger, order a number two with tripple cheese and bacon, Whatasized with Dr. Pepper to drink.  Then I’d take a big shit and steal their free paper.” 

A group of anorexic socialites lined up across the street and start barfing in protest of the fatties and their impromptu vigil.  One young lady wearing what looked like knee high moccasins boots and a halter top held a sign that read, “Leave Kern Fatties!”  This prompted the El Paso Fire investigation Unit to rule the fire an arson.  They suspect the local socialites wanted the site for something more attractive to the young, rich and fabulous crowd.

This wouldn’t be the first time Kern place yupsters found themselves on the wrong side of the law.  A pack of preppies hopped-up on Grey Goose and imported beers attacked a goth couple trying to make their way down Cincinnati street to a bus stop located on Mesa street.   That case is set to go to a grand jury next week.

The owners of the Wienerschnitzel down the street had setup a temporary relief center at his drive-through restaurant to comfort the disgusting fat bodies in their time of crisis.  The owner hopes to capitalize on the lack of competition moving forward.  “This is bad news for Whataburger, but great news for Wienerschnitzel and our new gigantic diabetes having customers.”

Stay tuned for more on this disgusting story.

New El Paso Art Gallery to hold Opening and Closing on Same Night

El Paso,Super Trendy Shithole With Fucking Insane Rent – El Paso’s newest art gallery, Crasshh!, is set to open and close this Friday.   Owner and operator, Hanz Slapendahlips, is taking a unique approach to El Paso’s hatred of art.

“I’m cutting out all the bullshit that takes place between the opening and inevitable closing of an El Paso art gallery,” Slapendahlips said as he puffed on his freshly Parliment cigarrette.  “Besides, my boyfriend and I can’t survive another let down here in El Paso,”  he added.

The plan is to open the gallery with the normal fan fare and to then close it at midnight when the party is scheduled to end.  We asked Slapendahlips if his unique opening and closing was art in itself.  He said, “Are you fucking stupid?  This is a business decision.  It allows me to consult on art without having any other qualification other than the fact that I can say I once owned a gallery.” 

As for plans to promote his opening and closing, Slapendahlips said he would do Lisa “the fag hag” D’s radio show and possible trick someone else on the EP Media Group’s staff into doing a profile on him.  ”I’ve got the two ingredients that make an EP Media Group story, I’m flamboyantly gay and I used the word downtown a lot,” said Slapendahlips.

We asked him why he stays in El Paso even though he doesn’t feel like the community as a whole supports his love of art.  Unfortunately he answered.. “What do you mean?  My boyfriend and I are flaming gay and the toast of the town here in El Paso.  Anywhere else we’d just be flaming gay.”

You can catch the opening and closing of  Crasshh! this Friday from 8:00 p.m. to midnight next to the old Club 101… no, before it was on Mesa.  Yes, there.

Ermengency Declared, El Paso Below 32 degrees!

El Paso - CNN lead story this morning was, “Hell has Frozen Over.”  They were referring to El Paso, TX being below freezing today. 

County Judge Anthony Cobos declared a state of emergency and shut down the schools.  When he was notified that school was already out due to the holidays he said, “bring it on.”  We’re not quite sure what he meant by that, but are researching the quote as you read this.

Other El Pasoans used the normal December temperatures to try and get out of work.  Employers were flooded with calls claiming that worker’s cars had frozen solid and that Sun Metro buses didn’t have heaters.  We checked with Sun Metro and they did confirm they didn’t have heaters in their buses.  Their purchasing director told us, “It’s El Paso, dumbass, it doesn’t get cold.”  Maids we talked to disagree.

El Pasoans are encouraged to bundle up, try not to go swimming and keep their kids clothed – at least a little bit.

Media Watch – Christmas Edition

The El Paso Times is shocked, I repeat shocked that Mexicans love Christmas. 

David KKK, spawn of satan, attacked the El Paso Times for wanting to give kids toys at Christmas time.  How much of an asshole can one person be?  Maybe that should be his campaign theme.

Newspaper Tree completely ignored the fact that it’s Christmas.  They are either a bunch of Jews, or to stoned to care.

KTLK 1150 gave us all a nice Christmas present by giving Greg Freyermuth the day off today.  They ruined that present by putting on some guy named Hector who must run the board when he’s not filling in for the giant dumbass.  For a guy who doesn’t have an actual job being on the radio, he sure was full of himself.  I’m willing to bet he’s short and skinny with an attitude problem.

Channel 9’s staff has not walked out or had anyone spray the station with gunfire, so things are looking up.

Channel 4 was sold and then returned for being defective.  They buyers kept Nicole Ayoub because she’s hot.

Anthony Cobos was seen beating on the El Paso Times’ glass doors again.  This time he had what looked like a bag full of gifts with him and was screaming, “Charlie Muench I have something for you!”  Stay tuned for the booking photo.

Border Fence Drama – No Santa Claus for El Paso Children

El Paso – It does not matter whether you were naughty or nice this year for El Paso children, Santa isn’t coming to town.  

Santa’s public relations elf released a public statement late Thursday night reporting that the new border fence is too tall for Santa to clear.  Santa’s route takes him to Mexico first and then north to El Paso.  Because the fence is so high he will have to skip El Paso this time and go east until he finds an opening in the fence.

We contacted the North Pole’s press office for a statement.  Santa’s public relations elf said, “it’s a shame, Saint Nick loved bringing presents to the El Paso area.  Santa liked the fact that even Jewish kids in the area wrote him with their Christmas lists.”

Border Fence officials released a statement this morning responding to the news.  It was two words long and printed in 38 point font.  It read “Fuck Santa.” 

We immediately called over to the Border Fence headquarters to follow up on their statement.  Our staff was quite interested as to why they would respond that way.  We got a hold of Mark Nieberslapen at their office and asked who came up with that statement.  He said that he had.  When asked why, he responded, “Santa already said he ain’t fucking coming here so what’s the point in continuing to be nice? Besides, I’ve always wanted to say that and this gave me the perfect opportunity.”

The lates tnews related to the Border Fence project just adds to long list of shit that the fence has fucked up.  So far this year the fence has been blamed for labor shortages in the janitorial, crop picking and roofing industries.  It’s also driven the price of even shitty weed so high that we can’t even afford it.  Now the fence is officially to blame for canceling Christmas.  Way to go Bushy boy!

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In other borderland Christmas news, City Council Woman Emma Acosta released a statement saying that she is not an escaped elf from the North Pole  as we reported several weeks ago.  She added that four foot two inches tall isn’t that short for a Mexican.

Hut Brown Middle School Smells Like Shit

El Paso – Rich, bitchy westside parents were all up in arms after an apparent foul smell began to permeate through the walls of Hut Brown Middle School late last week.

It all started with a text message.  Young Timmy Thompson sent a text message to his mother saying, “It smells like shit at skewl t-day.”  His mother wrote back, “It’s your upper lip.”  Turns out, it wasn’t.

Hut Brown Middle School is one of the newest schools in the district and was named for what quarterbacks say to start a football play.  There was no explanation for the “brown” part of the name until the horrid smell invaded the building recently.

Astute teachers first assumed it was Rodney “Stinky” Henderson, a transfer from the Canutillo School District.  Rodney was a subject of much controversy at the beginning of the year when parents discovered that his mother and father owned only one SUV and it was bought used.  The third court of appeals dismissed the parent’s request to have the boy removed from school.

James Haberlabenlips, Principal of Hut Brown called the PSB to come out and check their sewer lines.  He was astonished to find that they answered the phone, “Western Refining” when he called.  Mr. Haberlabenlips said he was not aware that Paul Foster had purchased the utility and abruptly hung up the phone thinking he had reached the wrong the number.

Maintenance crews from EPISD headquarters were dispatched to the scene and only made the smell worse, so they were asked to leave. 

Unable to quell the smell, Mr. Haberlabenlips was forced to send all the children home, no doubt ruining many mother’s afternoon adulterous liaisons with their tennis respective pros. 

Paul Foster’s PSB unit did finally dispatch a crew to th e scene via helicopter late last night.  The crew was working to solve the problem.  Officials say the could have the problem fixed somewhere around the time we see the Downtown Plan go into affect – which could be a while.

Media Watch

The flag burners over at the Newspaper Tree have treated all of us to some in depth articles about how beautiful ex-El Pasoans are beating DUI raps and getting along after shedding their El Paso smell.  I’m so grateful they are out there hitting the hard news. 

The El Paso Times doesn’t even give the bobble heads of TV news real ink.  They are relegated to Roy Ortega’s, “I’m a has been who occasional gets a call from someone with real talent” column.  Since when did people reading the news become the news?

Talk radio show hosts in town are meeting to discuss ways to stop several diseases and illnesses that effect mainly the elderly.  They fear that one good flu season and the entire talk radio audience could die in one winter.

Local newscasts from KDBC and KTSM have combined to form the shittiest news team to ever grace the television screen.  Dim lighting, questionable haircuts and illiteracy will be the main features of the new news program.

Protestor Smashed by Large Construction Equipment on Accident (kind of)

El Paso – An environmental whacko responding to the issue of the month was run over by a large earth mover during her attempt to protest a new border fence.

Shortly after 7:00 a.m. the lady stormed past several hungover construction workers and into the path of a piece of equipment that was moving dirt to the site.  The driver, Enrique Johnson, said he thought the lady was, “some chick I got pregnant again.”  He told investigators, the media and who ever else would listen that he, “was just trying to maybe push her down with the bucket so she’d chill out.”  That’s when Johnson’s lunch pail became wedged underneath the brake not allowing him to stop.

Authorities have not released the victim’s name.  They indicate that she lived alone with her virginity and a bunch of cats.

A spokesman for the border fence operation indicated that she had been seen holding signs in protest of the fence recently.  She was concerned that migratory birds would not be able to go from the pond to the river once the fence was constructed.  The spokesman said that he and others had told her several times that migratory birds could actually fly high enough to clear the fence.

Other members of the local environmental movement arrived soon after hearing about the accident.  They obviously do not have jobs to tend to.  We asked them what they thought of the tragic accident and their response was concise – she was the Martin Luther King Jr. of environmental issues.   One grieving environmental whacko, Jared Dawson said, “she was like, you know, like always, like saying stuff that was like, against all the things that she didn’t, like, like and all.”  Dawson is a Phd candidate at UTEP.

You’ll be the first to know when we get more details on this tragic accident.

Friends of the victim are also looking for a tofu coffin if any of you know where one could be found.

Paul Foster Buys PSB

El Paso – Billionaire Paul Foster purchased the PSB this morning for an undisclosed sum. 

Asked why he wanted to buy the quasi governmental entity, Foster answered, “They found out that I wasn’t paying my stormwater tax on the Farah property so I figured it would be cheaper to purchase the PSB rather than pay the tax.”

No word yet on exactly what changes are in store for the PSB in the near future, but you can be tthey are, “here for good.”

El Pasoans Fooled Again – Jokes On Us at Sun Bowl

El Paso – What was touted as a chance at the record books for El Paso has been uncovered as a scheme to get someone else in the record books. 

Our crack staff picked up the phone and called Guinness World Records to see if a quarter full Sun Bowl crowd doing the “YMCA dance” would actually qualify for a world record.  When the person on the other line stopped laughing they indicated that there is a record attempt scheduled for that day at the Sun Bowl, but it has nothing to do with dancing.

Our source inside Guinness told us that a group of men from Lubbock had applied for the record of the largest practical joke in history.  Their idea was to convince a bunch of “mexicans” in El Paso that they’d set a world record by dancing like a bunch of  idiots.  The conspirators are estimating that they will have fooled more 20,000 people at one time – a world record.

El Paso has been proven once again to be the butt of every joke.  Thank you Mayor Cook.

City Council Notes

El Paso, In Toaster-like Building -  The semicircle of idiocy met for their regular meeting today so they could be scowled at by Joyce Wilson and the other more intelligent members of the staff.  We caught the whole mess on streaming video.

In the “same old shit, different tie” category, Eddie Holguin still doesn’t understand anything he’s told.  If he had a pair of tits and a nice ass he’d be Melina Castro.

Representative Steve Ortega looks like Teen Wolf minus the Parkinson’s in his new beard.  Rumor has it that he isn’t shaving it until he nails a westside chick. 

Ichabod Crane asked one question in the early part of the morning, but spent most of his time thinking about how rich he’s going to be one day. 

The Fat Mongoose couldn’t figure out what item council was on and just rambled on about nothing when she was recognized.  City staff have indicated they are going to start calling her, “the Midget.”  We have no idea why.

Mayor Cook refrained from singing the entire meeting. 

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They went over a bunch crap you don’t understand clearly don’t care about otherwise you would have been down there.  They also wasted taxpayer money honoring random people for doing unremarkable things like the lady who worked at a nursing home for 35 years straight and never once was promoted.  Yeah, that kind of bullshit.

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Media Watch

KDBC channel four was given to the PSB in exchange for stormwater fees owed to the utility company.  We asked what the PSB might show on their new channel they told us that it would be intermittent images of Ed Archuleta shooting viewers the bird and him swimming naked in a big pool of cash.

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The newsroom staffs of the El Paso Times and Newspaper Tree got together for a peace conference this week.   The meeting was held UTEP and refereedby Sam Donaldson.  Donaldson’s conclusion were quite alarming to both parties.  He found the El Paso Times’ staff to be a bunch of corporate assholes and the Newspaper Tree’s staff to be a bunch of former corporate assholes with less supervision.

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Estella Casas is 4 foot 1. 

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Local blogger, professional white asshole and Holocaust denier, David KKK’s blog has not been updated in days.  Looks like Quintana finally figured out where he lived.

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KTLK radio show hosts Paul Strelzin and Greg Freyermuth were seen fighting over a donut in the station’s kitchen last week.  Employees of the station were surprised both of their heads could fit in the same room. 

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Send your Media tips to eatshitandie@gmail.com

High Winds Blow, So Does El Paso Construction

El Paso, TX/MX/NM – High winds took their toll on homes and businesses built in El Paso’s half-ass tradition.  Homeowners were shocked to find that their roofs were heavily damaged in the wind because they were constructed by the owner and his brother-in-law after consuming a case of Bud Light.

The Mayor’s office indicated that he would in fact meet with the persons who received damage due to the storm.  The mayor released a short statement on Monday promising to write and perform a song on his guitar for the victims during Tuesday’s regular City Council meeting.  He also put an item on the agenda that would ban wind from El Paso.

Attempts to reach the City Manager were unsuccesful.  Her assistant said she could not be reached because she was out of the office burning kittens and drowning puppies.

Local insurance magnate and loser politician, Larry Medina, estimated the damage in the tens of dollars.  Possibly up to $90 in total damages.