Stacking Poor People Takes Precedence Over Historical Value

El Paso – Almost Trendy Part of Downtown -  The El Paso City Council went in the completely opposite direction of an earlier ruling by the body in the hopes of stacking poor people high in the air.

La Fe Clinic is trying to stack the poor people in a soon to be trendy part of town where certain architectual standards apply.  The clinic needed to clear a few road blocks on the way to getting the okay to build the multi-story section eight housing guaranteed to be heaping pile of shit only days after completion.

West valley representative Beto O’Rourke was asked why he decided to suspend the rules that everyone else has to follow in order to push this project through.  “Fuck them and the horse they rode in on!” said O’Rourke.  We weren’t clear who he was talking to, or about, but he did push a child down and punch and old lady on his way out of council chambers.

Representative Holguin, who is a constant light of positive energy, waxed poetic on the upcoming project for nearly 30 minutes after the meeting.  He said, “instead of letting poor people just roam the streets peeing everywhere, we can stack them high above the streets in downtown behind a facade of brick and mortar.”

Northeast Rep. Melina Castro agreed to help the  project along by posing in a suggestive outfit for the eventual marketing plan for the completed building.  She said, “I’m so fucking hot, those smelly bums will fork over any social security, disability or other form of government income to live in a building with a huge poster of my hot body on it.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”   Rep. Quintana called Castro a, “skinny fucking bitch” after hearing her comment.

The project will be completed in the Spring 2043 and will be torn down to make way for hacienda style section eight housing the year after that.

Hay Barn Still Burning, Still Biggest News in El Paso

Vado – Shithole Outside of El Paso -  The crack news teams of El Paso’s bankrupt news channels first reported on the hay barn fire late last week.  The fire burned almost 100 bails of hay and encompassed about 500 square feet.  No one was hurt.

El Paso news agency are still covering the smoldering ashes of the nearly five day old fire and refuse to stop their non-stop around the clock of burning plant material that did not injure anyone.

News directors for each of the failing TV news stations could not return our calls.  Their phone service has been suspended for nonpayment.  

Some experts say that the news channels are still covering the smoldering ashes of a fire that took place days ago because they can not afford the gas to move their live trucks from the scene.  They are, instead, trying to pretend that the hay barn fire story is still – a story. 

No word on a name for the catastrophe, but “Hay Fire 2009″ has been thrown around the darkened newsrooms of our city’s failing TV news networks.

Representative Norma Chavez Gets “Extreme Makeover”

El Paso – Crews have been working for days trying to transform El Paso’s favorite loud mouth State House member from a pig with lipstick to a bona fide Chicana Sarah Palin.  Officials with the “Extreme Makeover” show aren’t sure they’ll be able to pull this one off.

The cast, crew, carpenters, cement masons, hair stylists, makeup artists and a plastic surgeon have all been working hard polishing this elected turd.  Representative Chavez has been described as, “less than helpful,” during the entire process.  A long time crew member for the show said, “that is one mean bitch!”

The “Extreme Makeover” series is hoping to air this episode in March.

Country Club Road to Become Mercedes Only Route

El Paso, Rich Part of Town – City officials were happy to announce that they had reached an agreement with the resident of the Upper Valley on what to do with Country Club Road.

After years of kicking around ideas of how to make the road less congested, but still exclusive the City of El Paso decided to dedicate the road to only those who enjoy, and can afford, a Mercedes automobile.  No other types of cars will be allowed on the road starting in May, 2009.

Residents in the area were overjoyed at the City’s decision and immediately began planning an exclusive gala to be held at the country club in celebration of the change.

Upper Valley resident, Paul Levin III said, “requiring that motorists have a Mercedes to travel this road should eliminate the bulk of the traffic in this area.”  he added, “it will be nice to have a break from the poor people looking at our beautiful homes as they sit their in traffic each morning and evening.”

The Upper Valley community group that formed with the idea of making the road more exclusive said that their only other alternative was to erect a wall between themselves and the poor people of New Mexico. 

Mercedes Benz’s corporate spokesperson issued a short response to today’s ruling via email.  It read:

“We at Mercedes Benz are very excited that El Paso has taken steps to protect our valued customers from the filthy Americans who can not afford our fine automobile.  We only hope more communities will follow their lead in protecting the only people that matter in the world – Mercedes owners.”

BMW owners were outraged at the ruling, but could not afford to mount a campaign against the move seeing as how they are all imposters and in debt up to their eyes already.

El Paso City Council Approves Federal Budget

El Paso – Officials in Washington are in shock today after members of the City Council in El Paso, Texas voted on and approved  the federal budget. 

Council member Steve Ortega was asked why he thought the council had authority to vote on a federal issues like th federal budget.  Ortega responded, “nobody said we couldn’t!”

Other members of the City Council would not speak with reporters, but did issue a joint statement.  The long rambling letter was addressed to “Our Peeps” was written on the back of a used envelope.  The Council indicated that they do whatever the “tall guy named Beto” tells them to do. 

The Council has abortion rights, a treaty with Japan and an energy bill on next week’s agenda.  Washington lobbyists have been seen roaming around the 10th floor at City Hall. 

President-elect Barrack Obama issued a stern warning to the council, “Do not make Puerto Rico a state without asking me first. I will use my veto if I need to” he said during his daily press briefing.

Mayor John Cook could not be reached for comment on this story.  Mayor Cook’s assistant said that he was locked away working on new words for the “song about how a bill becomes a law.”

Strelzin Out – Freyermuth and Aduato In

El Paso - El Paso icon and loud mouth for hire, Paul Strelzin was canned unceremoniously on Monday of this week.  As many as 100 people were in morning after hearing the news.

State Representative Norma Chavez was said to be livid and throwing a “hissy fit” on the steps of the KTLK building.  She was first mistaken for the burrito lady and let in the building, but was removed once station management realized that she was in fact Norma Chavez.

Taking Strelzin’s spot will be morning show host, Greg Freyermuth.  Freyermuth released a statement saying that he would be on for five hours a day starting today and will have Ray Aduato on the phone crying like a little baby about various topics throughout his show.   Freyermuth is expect to carry all seven of listeners over to his evening program.

Attempts to reach station manager, David Candelaria were unsuccesful.  His secretary indicated that he was last seen banging the on air talent from the TV Station.