Fat Asses in Kern Area Lose Mecca to Fire

El Paso, Trendy Part of Town – Hundreds of overweight El Pasoans gathered at the corner of University and Mesa to shed little bacon grease tears whileEl Paso firefighters battled a blaze that engulfed the Whataburger earlier today.

The pleasantly plump crowd held hands and told stories of their favorite meals at the location.  Benard Whetenerlips remembered his daily visits to the restaurant, “Every single day of the year I’d go to that Whataburger, order a number two with tripple cheese and bacon, Whatasized with Dr. Pepper to drink.  Then I’d take a big shit and steal their free paper.” 

A group of anorexic socialites lined up across the street and start barfing in protest of the fatties and their impromptu vigil.  One young lady wearing what looked like knee high moccasins boots and a halter top held a sign that read, “Leave Kern Fatties!”  This prompted the El Paso Fire investigation Unit to rule the fire an arson.  They suspect the local socialites wanted the site for something more attractive to the young, rich and fabulous crowd.

This wouldn’t be the first time Kern place yupsters found themselves on the wrong side of the law.  A pack of preppies hopped-up on Grey Goose and imported beers attacked a goth couple trying to make their way down Cincinnati street to a bus stop located on Mesa street.   That case is set to go to a grand jury next week.

The owners of the Wienerschnitzel down the street had setup a temporary relief center at his drive-through restaurant to comfort the disgusting fat bodies in their time of crisis.  The owner hopes to capitalize on the lack of competition moving forward.  “This is bad news for Whataburger, but great news for Wienerschnitzel and our new gigantic diabetes having customers.”

Stay tuned for more on this disgusting story.

New El Paso Art Gallery to hold Opening and Closing on Same Night

El Paso,Super Trendy Shithole With Fucking Insane Rent – El Paso’s newest art gallery, Crasshh!, is set to open and close this Friday.   Owner and operator, Hanz Slapendahlips, is taking a unique approach to El Paso’s hatred of art.

“I’m cutting out all the bullshit that takes place between the opening and inevitable closing of an El Paso art gallery,” Slapendahlips said as he puffed on his freshly Parliment cigarrette.  “Besides, my boyfriend and I can’t survive another let down here in El Paso,”  he added.

The plan is to open the gallery with the normal fan fare and to then close it at midnight when the party is scheduled to end.  We asked Slapendahlips if his unique opening and closing was art in itself.  He said, “Are you fucking stupid?  This is a business decision.  It allows me to consult on art without having any other qualification other than the fact that I can say I once owned a gallery.” 

As for plans to promote his opening and closing, Slapendahlips said he would do Lisa “the fag hag” D’s radio show and possible trick someone else on the EP Media Group’s staff into doing a profile on him.  ”I’ve got the two ingredients that make an EP Media Group story, I’m flamboyantly gay and I used the word downtown a lot,” said Slapendahlips.

We asked him why he stays in El Paso even though he doesn’t feel like the community as a whole supports his love of art.  Unfortunately he answered.. “What do you mean?  My boyfriend and I are flaming gay and the toast of the town here in El Paso.  Anywhere else we’d just be flaming gay.”

You can catch the opening and closing of  Crasshh! this Friday from 8:00 p.m. to midnight next to the old Club 101… no, before it was on Mesa.  Yes, there.

Ermengency Declared, El Paso Below 32 degrees!

El Paso - CNN lead story this morning was, “Hell has Frozen Over.”  They were referring to El Paso, TX being below freezing today. 

County Judge Anthony Cobos declared a state of emergency and shut down the schools.  When he was notified that school was already out due to the holidays he said, “bring it on.”  We’re not quite sure what he meant by that, but are researching the quote as you read this.

Other El Pasoans used the normal December temperatures to try and get out of work.  Employers were flooded with calls claiming that worker’s cars had frozen solid and that Sun Metro buses didn’t have heaters.  We checked with Sun Metro and they did confirm they didn’t have heaters in their buses.  Their purchasing director told us, “It’s El Paso, dumbass, it doesn’t get cold.”  Maids we talked to disagree.

El Pasoans are encouraged to bundle up, try not to go swimming and keep their kids clothed – at least a little bit.

Media Watch – Christmas Edition

The El Paso Times is shocked, I repeat shocked that Mexicans love Christmas. 

David KKK, spawn of satan, attacked the El Paso Times for wanting to give kids toys at Christmas time.  How much of an asshole can one person be?  Maybe that should be his campaign theme.

Newspaper Tree completely ignored the fact that it’s Christmas.  They are either a bunch of Jews, or to stoned to care.

KTLK 1150 gave us all a nice Christmas present by giving Greg Freyermuth the day off today.  They ruined that present by putting on some guy named Hector who must run the board when he’s not filling in for the giant dumbass.  For a guy who doesn’t have an actual job being on the radio, he sure was full of himself.  I’m willing to bet he’s short and skinny with an attitude problem.

Channel 9’s staff has not walked out or had anyone spray the station with gunfire, so things are looking up.

Channel 4 was sold and then returned for being defective.  They buyers kept Nicole Ayoub because she’s hot.

Anthony Cobos was seen beating on the El Paso Times’ glass doors again.  This time he had what looked like a bag full of gifts with him and was screaming, “Charlie Muench I have something for you!”  Stay tuned for the booking photo.

Border Fence Drama – No Santa Claus for El Paso Children

El Paso – It does not matter whether you were naughty or nice this year for El Paso children, Santa isn’t coming to town.  

Santa’s public relations elf released a public statement late Thursday night reporting that the new border fence is too tall for Santa to clear.  Santa’s route takes him to Mexico first and then north to El Paso.  Because the fence is so high he will have to skip El Paso this time and go east until he finds an opening in the fence.

We contacted the North Pole’s press office for a statement.  Santa’s public relations elf said, “it’s a shame, Saint Nick loved bringing presents to the El Paso area.  Santa liked the fact that even Jewish kids in the area wrote him with their Christmas lists.”

Border Fence officials released a statement this morning responding to the news.  It was two words long and printed in 38 point font.  It read “Fuck Santa.” 

We immediately called over to the Border Fence headquarters to follow up on their statement.  Our staff was quite interested as to why they would respond that way.  We got a hold of Mark Nieberslapen at their office and asked who came up with that statement.  He said that he had.  When asked why, he responded, “Santa already said he ain’t fucking coming here so what’s the point in continuing to be nice? Besides, I’ve always wanted to say that and this gave me the perfect opportunity.”

The lates tnews related to the Border Fence project just adds to long list of shit that the fence has fucked up.  So far this year the fence has been blamed for labor shortages in the janitorial, crop picking and roofing industries.  It’s also driven the price of even shitty weed so high that we can’t even afford it.  Now the fence is officially to blame for canceling Christmas.  Way to go Bushy boy!

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In other borderland Christmas news, City Council Woman Emma Acosta released a statement saying that she is not an escaped elf from the North Pole  as we reported several weeks ago.  She added that four foot two inches tall isn’t that short for a Mexican.

Hut Brown Middle School Smells Like Shit

El Paso – Rich, bitchy westside parents were all up in arms after an apparent foul smell began to permeate through the walls of Hut Brown Middle School late last week.

It all started with a text message.  Young Timmy Thompson sent a text message to his mother saying, “It smells like shit at skewl t-day.”  His mother wrote back, “It’s your upper lip.”  Turns out, it wasn’t.

Hut Brown Middle School is one of the newest schools in the district and was named for what quarterbacks say to start a football play.  There was no explanation for the “brown” part of the name until the horrid smell invaded the building recently.

Astute teachers first assumed it was Rodney “Stinky” Henderson, a transfer from the Canutillo School District.  Rodney was a subject of much controversy at the beginning of the year when parents discovered that his mother and father owned only one SUV and it was bought used.  The third court of appeals dismissed the parent’s request to have the boy removed from school.

James Haberlabenlips, Principal of Hut Brown called the PSB to come out and check their sewer lines.  He was astonished to find that they answered the phone, “Western Refining” when he called.  Mr. Haberlabenlips said he was not aware that Paul Foster had purchased the utility and abruptly hung up the phone thinking he had reached the wrong the number.

Maintenance crews from EPISD headquarters were dispatched to the scene and only made the smell worse, so they were asked to leave. 

Unable to quell the smell, Mr. Haberlabenlips was forced to send all the children home, no doubt ruining many mother’s afternoon adulterous liaisons with their tennis respective pros. 

Paul Foster’s PSB unit did finally dispatch a crew to th e scene via helicopter late last night.  The crew was working to solve the problem.  Officials say the could have the problem fixed somewhere around the time we see the Downtown Plan go into affect – which could be a while.

Media Watch

The flag burners over at the Newspaper Tree have treated all of us to some in depth articles about how beautiful ex-El Pasoans are beating DUI raps and getting along after shedding their El Paso smell.  I’m so grateful they are out there hitting the hard news. 

The El Paso Times doesn’t even give the bobble heads of TV news real ink.  They are relegated to Roy Ortega’s, “I’m a has been who occasional gets a call from someone with real talent” column.  Since when did people reading the news become the news?

Talk radio show hosts in town are meeting to discuss ways to stop several diseases and illnesses that effect mainly the elderly.  They fear that one good flu season and the entire talk radio audience could die in one winter.

Local newscasts from KDBC and KTSM have combined to form the shittiest news team to ever grace the television screen.  Dim lighting, questionable haircuts and illiteracy will be the main features of the new news program.

Protestor Smashed by Large Construction Equipment on Accident (kind of)

El Paso – An environmental whacko responding to the issue of the month was run over by a large earth mover during her attempt to protest a new border fence.

Shortly after 7:00 a.m. the lady stormed past several hungover construction workers and into the path of a piece of equipment that was moving dirt to the site.  The driver, Enrique Johnson, said he thought the lady was, “some chick I got pregnant again.”  He told investigators, the media and who ever else would listen that he, “was just trying to maybe push her down with the bucket so she’d chill out.”  That’s when Johnson’s lunch pail became wedged underneath the brake not allowing him to stop.

Authorities have not released the victim’s name.  They indicate that she lived alone with her virginity and a bunch of cats.

A spokesman for the border fence operation indicated that she had been seen holding signs in protest of the fence recently.  She was concerned that migratory birds would not be able to go from the pond to the river once the fence was constructed.  The spokesman said that he and others had told her several times that migratory birds could actually fly high enough to clear the fence.

Other members of the local environmental movement arrived soon after hearing about the accident.  They obviously do not have jobs to tend to.  We asked them what they thought of the tragic accident and their response was concise – she was the Martin Luther King Jr. of environmental issues.   One grieving environmental whacko, Jared Dawson said, “she was like, you know, like always, like saying stuff that was like, against all the things that she didn’t, like, like and all.”  Dawson is a Phd candidate at UTEP.

You’ll be the first to know when we get more details on this tragic accident.

Friends of the victim are also looking for a tofu coffin if any of you know where one could be found.

Paul Foster Buys PSB

El Paso – Billionaire Paul Foster purchased the PSB this morning for an undisclosed sum. 

Asked why he wanted to buy the quasi governmental entity, Foster answered, “They found out that I wasn’t paying my stormwater tax on the Farah property so I figured it would be cheaper to purchase the PSB rather than pay the tax.”

No word yet on exactly what changes are in store for the PSB in the near future, but you can be tthey are, “here for good.”

El Pasoans Fooled Again – Jokes On Us at Sun Bowl

El Paso – What was touted as a chance at the record books for El Paso has been uncovered as a scheme to get someone else in the record books. 

Our crack staff picked up the phone and called Guinness World Records to see if a quarter full Sun Bowl crowd doing the “YMCA dance” would actually qualify for a world record.  When the person on the other line stopped laughing they indicated that there is a record attempt scheduled for that day at the Sun Bowl, but it has nothing to do with dancing.

Our source inside Guinness told us that a group of men from Lubbock had applied for the record of the largest practical joke in history.  Their idea was to convince a bunch of “mexicans” in El Paso that they’d set a world record by dancing like a bunch of  idiots.  The conspirators are estimating that they will have fooled more 20,000 people at one time – a world record.

El Paso has been proven once again to be the butt of every joke.  Thank you Mayor Cook.

City Council Notes

El Paso, In Toaster-like Building -  The semicircle of idiocy met for their regular meeting today so they could be scowled at by Joyce Wilson and the other more intelligent members of the staff.  We caught the whole mess on streaming video.

In the “same old shit, different tie” category, Eddie Holguin still doesn’t understand anything he’s told.  If he had a pair of tits and a nice ass he’d be Melina Castro.

Representative Steve Ortega looks like Teen Wolf minus the Parkinson’s in his new beard.  Rumor has it that he isn’t shaving it until he nails a westside chick. 

Ichabod Crane asked one question in the early part of the morning, but spent most of his time thinking about how rich he’s going to be one day. 

The Fat Mongoose couldn’t figure out what item council was on and just rambled on about nothing when she was recognized.  City staff have indicated they are going to start calling her, “the Midget.”  We have no idea why.

Mayor Cook refrained from singing the entire meeting. 

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They went over a bunch crap you don’t understand clearly don’t care about otherwise you would have been down there.  They also wasted taxpayer money honoring random people for doing unremarkable things like the lady who worked at a nursing home for 35 years straight and never once was promoted.  Yeah, that kind of bullshit.

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Media Watch

KDBC channel four was given to the PSB in exchange for stormwater fees owed to the utility company.  We asked what the PSB might show on their new channel they told us that it would be intermittent images of Ed Archuleta shooting viewers the bird and him swimming naked in a big pool of cash.

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The newsroom staffs of the El Paso Times and Newspaper Tree got together for a peace conference this week.   The meeting was held UTEP and refereedby Sam Donaldson.  Donaldson’s conclusion were quite alarming to both parties.  He found the El Paso Times’ staff to be a bunch of corporate assholes and the Newspaper Tree’s staff to be a bunch of former corporate assholes with less supervision.

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Estella Casas is 4 foot 1. 

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Local blogger, professional white asshole and Holocaust denier, David KKK’s blog has not been updated in days.  Looks like Quintana finally figured out where he lived.

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KTLK radio show hosts Paul Strelzin and Greg Freyermuth were seen fighting over a donut in the station’s kitchen last week.  Employees of the station were surprised both of their heads could fit in the same room. 

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Send your Media tips to eatshitandie@gmail.com

High Winds Blow, So Does El Paso Construction

El Paso, TX/MX/NM – High winds took their toll on homes and businesses built in El Paso’s half-ass tradition.  Homeowners were shocked to find that their roofs were heavily damaged in the wind because they were constructed by the owner and his brother-in-law after consuming a case of Bud Light.

The Mayor’s office indicated that he would in fact meet with the persons who received damage due to the storm.  The mayor released a short statement on Monday promising to write and perform a song on his guitar for the victims during Tuesday’s regular City Council meeting.  He also put an item on the agenda that would ban wind from El Paso.

Attempts to reach the City Manager were unsuccesful.  Her assistant said she could not be reached because she was out of the office burning kittens and drowning puppies.

Local insurance magnate and loser politician, Larry Medina, estimated the damage in the tens of dollars.  Possibly up to $90 in total damages.